i would have posted this on a status but I think this is a ton to ramble about, so I'll post this today.
today my depression has taken over my life and it's just been a horrible day.
Even worse, considering the fact that my least favorite class is art.
I should be happy about this! I'm an artist looking forward to making rodeo art (a thing we do in Texas where we draw stuff based on our culture in Texas for chances to get scholarships + national attention) and just drawing my days away.
But nope, this teacher would not let me rest.
I won't name my teacher... She reminded me a lot about the tale of Narcissus, so I'll call her Ms. Narcissus.
She would be sooo fed up with herself. She loved talking about herself and claiming that she was always the superior artist, when I like to consider all artists as equals, no matter their skill level. Ms. Narcissus didn't like talking about others, but she would LOVE to talk about herself and her son. Like, damn lady, we don't need to know how much money you made after every single one of your shows.
Second, she would criticize specifically me every single detail I had wrong on my projects. once I would fix those, I'd raise my hand for solid minutes, just waiting for her to come back just so I could start shading. She'd say: That looks better, and that's it. Then I'd have to awkwardly ask her if I could shade, only for her to point out that I made one dot on the paper that didn't look right. The process cycles again.
Third, her due dates are fucking horrible. Ms. Narcissus gave us the assignment to make a still life. With less than an hour in each class, plus the fact that we were off for two days, don't you think that you would give us more time than just 2 1/2 weeks to sketch, draw, and shade the entire piece of paper? Slow down!! Just because 2 or 3 of your students are almost done with their's doesn't mean that the rest of us are ready. I mean, I'm not even 1/2 finished because of your idea to make us draw the desk, which is actually very high on my picture because I couldn't fit everything in. That's at least 50% of my paper...
Fourth, her grading is horrible. We have rubrics for each project. They are in the following order:
She would give me the middle score every single time for time, not because I wasn't prioritizing stuff, not because I wasn't working, BUT BECAUSE I WAS TALKING TO PEOPLE?!? LADY, IF YOU WANNA BLAME SOMEONE FOR TALKING, WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO TYLER OR YOUR SO-CALLED FAVORITE STUDENT?! TYLER IS THE ONE WHO KEEPS TALKING TO ME AND YOUR FAVORITE STUDENT TALKS ALL THE TIME!
Ok, I'm gonna try to chill a bit.
But all of that is true. I like to consider myself one of the quieter students because I personally don't have many friends. I don't like talking, and that's that. Is she taking this as hostility? Because I'm already struggling with my falling grades in my other classes because my high-functioning depression isn't getting better-- it's getting worse. Do you think that I asked for my second lowest grade to be the topic I'm almost guaranteed to succeed at? I'm tired of fucking around, and so is everyone else.
Five-- She doesn't know real science. Yes, it is proven that you get work faster when it is silent. But your right and left sides of your brain are always at work, no matter how much you try to protest. Stop thinking about it as a divided object that can either get you distracted or hard at work because that's the whole brain doing that. Besides, as an ADHD person, I feel like this isn't being fair to me. This was something I was born with and not something I can control. So if I get distracted or end up doing something like asking you something about the assignment you just explained, stop taking it so seriously! I have teachers who have actually cared enough to help me out, and you're giving me the wrong impression about you, and it isn't good. In fact, everyone I know doesn't like her class, even my parents don't like her.
Six-- She talks bad about her talkative students. I can be talkative to my close friends because I don't get a chance to say what's on my mind. Although this hasn't happened to me, one of my best friends came up crying to me because of this story that just happened today.
She was also behind on her still life because she also has anxiety and depression. She talks with others to ease the tension in her mind, but the teacher actually didn't take it that way. Art studio times for us are wednesday morning and friday morning, but she couldn't come on wednesday mornings because she had clarinet sectionals. So the art teacher went to talk to our band director, and she came into her private lesson. (This was all while I had my private lesson for flute just a meter away. I'm surprised I didn't even hear.)
But apparently Ms. Narcissus told her she was a bad student who talked way too much who doesn't get any work done. But let me tell you, I've known this person since Elementary. She's a good student with high B's who tries her hardest. For someone who has depression like me, I think high B's are really good. I'm still struggling to get higher than 95's, and it's draining the life out of me.
But our Band director kinda roasted her, saying that she really was a good student with good grades (you need to be passing all your classes to be in Band), was first chair clarinet, and was one of the best students in Band. To be honest, she really is. Even she didn't know about her mental situation (she doesn't know what the anxiety disorder is... I know first-hand about that), yet she thought she was an amazing person.
But look at Ms. Narcissus, trash talking about her students behind our very own backs... It kinda makes me mad how she even felt the need to tell this to my band director instead of asking if she could miss one sectional to do art instead of saying her opinion of her. That's not right... If my friend is being trash-talked, and I'm one of her least favorite students... Then what does she have to say about me...?
I know it's ironic, saying "oh, she did this and this and that" while I'm also complaining, but please, I have a valid reason. I'm struggling at what should be my strongest subject of all time just because she doesn't like me? If I could get a chance to let it all out on the table, here's what I would say:
I'm just a person who wants to get into a good college. I have trouble at home, I'm mentally incapable of doing many things that normal human beings can do, and I just wanna have a good time. I don't want to go home and shame myself because of the grades you're giving me... I literally had a panic attack in class this morning and I couldn't do anything because you were across the classroom with your favorites. When you came back around, you scolded me for not doing work, when I clearly had this look of terror on my face. I'm on the brink of going insane, to the point where I can't control these monsters called anxiety, depression, and the physical outcome known as dermatillomania.
I don't need pity. I don't need your care either.
All I need is a chance to feel alright again, and if this keeps bothering me, then there is no way I'll feel better until I quit art in my final year of high school. I'm highly aware you don't want anyone quitting because they don't like you, nor do I.
Think this is too much? I mean, I still have great grades right now.
If you were in my spot, what would you do? Would you want to sit by and watch as my grade goes wrongfully lower as the days pass? Would you want to stay in a class with a teacher who you've only known for 8 weeks that already hates you? It's not even the second semester!
I literally just asked a few of my acquaintances on IG about her... Within 5 seconds I've already gotten 2 people to say they don't like her.
This is my side of the story. I don't do these rants about other people often because a ton of people piss me off. (That excludes the last journal entry, but that's a different story) But this teacher... I've mentioned that she's scary, and yes she's extremely intimidating, but she's also someone who I know I can't trust as a teacher.
What would you do in this situation? Get your parents to file complaints? Talk to her about it (i personally don't like this choice... I rant about my depression and stuff here because I know that almost nobody except for two people who rarely get on here know who I really am.)?
I'm already in her class and I've missed the chance to transfer out of it. I can't move schools, either. (That was said in my previous journal) It's too far away and too much of a hassle.
All I know is that I don't want this to continue, and so do many other people in my school do too.
Yeah, that's long. I'm just feeling extra horrible because of my panic attack earlier. (I had another one during band.) I just need something to let some of the steam out.
Let's just hope that the next entry is a meme and not something as depressing as this, heh.
Listening to: Some country music
Reading: Court of Fives//Fahrenheit 451